I made the decision to leave my childhood religion at the age of 31. It was not an easy decision, considering it separated me, in many ways, from my family and community. I have spoken to numerous people who have made similar decisions and know that there is almost always a time of grief and sense of loss, despite having a deep knowing that the right decision was made. This was certainly my experience. I knew I needed to leave to make space for my own spiritual growth. I had no regrets on that level. However, what did haunt me was the question of how I would provide my children with the same sense of belonging, community, and spiritual inspiration I experienced as a child? Ultimately, there has been no easy answer. However, there have been some core ideas and values that have helped me find peace along this journey of raising children outside of religion. Perhaps you will find them helpful, too.
1. Spend time in nature
I have found no greater solace or peace in this lifetime than spending time in nature. There comes a deep quiet and my existence seems to fold and expand all at the same time. Since my children were small, we have spent countless hours wandering trails, staring at mushrooms, moss, flowers, puddles, ponds, stream ripples, tree branches, bulging buds, frogs, and various other miracles found just outside our door. There is a certain kind of alchemy that takes place between a child and nature. It is visible to even the most untrained eye. There are, of course, numerous studies proving that we all need nature, especially children, but I do not need the statistics to know that time in nature makes me a better person. It brings my children a deep sense of quiet that has been increasingly challenging to find in this world. What do we need more than a quiet heart in order to hear that "still, small voice?"
2. Talk about the "hard stuff" even when we don't want to
The first time we passed by a child in a wheelchair, my child stared in a way that felt inappropriate and embarrassing. As much as I wanted to just blurt out "don't stare!", as soon as we were out of earshot, I made myself talk to them about our human tendency to stare at, abhor or be scared of things we don't understand. Also, we talked about trying to put ourself in the place of the child in the wheelchair, about how we might feel, what we might find helpful, what would make us feel angry. We talked about how we could use our questions and thoughts to create a better world for everyone, a place where everyone can feel like they belong. We talk about other hard things, too, especially as they have gotten older. We talk about gender, sexuality (especially with the older children), race, skin color, our own biases (these are unavoidable). We talk about how the first step in treating all people equally is to acknowledge our own tendencies for bias. I certainly do not have it all figured out, but I know one thing: talking about the "hard stuff" with our children is the first step on the path to creating a better world. Ignoring it, acting as though it doesn't exist, will never make it go away and usually makes things even worse. So far, my children have taught me far more than I have taught them. Perhaps I didn't expect that, but that is certainly the way things are happening.
3. Acts of service
Okay, at first this seemed like a hard one for a parent with three children. Our youngest just turned 5 years old. They don't want 5-year-olds in a soup kitchen. I know many of you are probably in the same boat. There will be time, as my youngest gets a little older, to have more "boots on the ground" service experiences. However, we don't have to start with the big stuff. We can show our children little ways to help people on a daily basis. We all do this, but perhaps we do not realize the impact these little acts of service have upon the hearts of our children. They matter. When we make it a point to offer a kind word to the cashier who looks as though they are having a bad day, give a ride to the child whose parent is working, invite children over who otherwise might be stuck at home watching TV, pick up trash at a beloved park, make a meal for a sick friend, and all the other things we do because we care about the people around us, our children see it. It changes their heart and helps build their own set of values.
4. Read books about people who inspire you
I have found almost nothing that inspires me as much as people who have lived on the same earth on which a plant my feet and who have found ways to make the world a better place. About a year ago, I started making biography/autobiography reading a part of our morning routine. I try to keep the books a short/condensed version so that they will appeal even to my 5-year-old. The "Who Was?" book series has been a perfect fit for us. We have read a few other biographies outside of this series, but these are a go-to series for us. So far, from this series, we have read:
Outside of the series we have read:
By reading these simple little books, we have realized you do not have to be perfect to make a difference. We have also cultivated enthusiastic, meaningful conversation about life purpose, ethical decision making, moving forward even when things are hard, and countless other conversations that may not have otherwise taken place.
5. Create the community you long for
I know, I know, this is work. It is, but what I have come to realize is that if I want something for myself or my children, I had better not wait around for someone else to create it and it does not have to be as complicated as you think. In 2017, after moving to a new state, I began to visualize what type of community I wanted for myself and my children. It didn't need to be large, but I wanted it to be meaningful. I created a forest playgroup that meets on our acreage. It meets on a weekly basis. We don't do much in the way of organized activities. We have a song we sing as we hike into the woods to our play spot (though the children roam all over our 20 acres during the course of our playgroup), we have a gathering song we sing once we get to our play spot, we have a shared snack about halfway through the three hour playgroup; singing a short song before we eat, and we have a closing verse we say together at the end of playgroup. This playgroup has grown to be the highlight of our week. We have formed deep connections with nature and friends. We spend the entire time outside, no matter the weather (with the exception of lightning). So, no matter what type of community you long for, know that you are the master creator of your life. You can do this.
6. Let your children see you doing things that bring you peace
I am not an advocate for forcing children to meditate, practice yoga or read spiritual books, however, all of these things are important to me personally. I make it a point to let my children see me making time for meditation, practicing yoga and reading books that make me dig a little deeper into my own spiritual life. I don't yet know the full impact these things will have upon my children, but I do know that they know the value I place on these things. They also know that these things bring me peace, that I am always learning, and that I actively acknowledge not having all the answers and seek to learn more every day. I hope that this will inspire them along their own path.
There is no perfect recipe for spiritual growth, but this I know: striving counts. Children are great observers. They may not be able to verbalize exactly how our choices impact their lives, but they know when we are striving and living with authenticity. May we all rest in the truth that our best is enough. We are enough.
